The Ninja Strikes Back!
Well, the Saga of Ryzom beta has finally drawn to a close. It seems like it was a very long ride - I guess it sort of was, since I got in on it pretty early. And I know the game has some bugs in it still, and that it's crazy expensive - but I still love the setting. Sorry, but I'm tired of typical high fantasy (at least until DnD :O nline comes out!), and I'm always interested in games that fall outside of that genre.
I've talked about things I've liked in this game, but one thing I never talked about was my fellow players - mostly because my stories involve things that drive me insane and/or get me killed. The player base of Ryzom never really fell into that category...
Until I met Dewy.
I don't think that was his real name, but unfortunately I was too busy trying to choke myself with my mouse cord in frustration at the things he was doing to ever pay close enough attention to get it right. Normally I'd substitute "YOU STUPID *******!" as his name, anyway.
I first met Dewy in one of the Tryker starter towns. Normally, idiots can be avoided because they're doing stuff that... well, marks them as idiots. You know, spamming the channels with dumb comments, getting in your way, crowding your resource spawns, kill-stealing, running around town without pants on and screaming about how funny they are for doing that.
The first I saw of Dewy was when he broadcast a very simple, "how do i git reesourses?" as he stood in the middle of town.
Since there weren't many people around (and I apparently have a suicide wish), I thought I could offer him some help. Besides a dictionary, I mean. Look, I'll admit I'm not the best typist/speller in the world, but I try not to be too snobbish about language - especially since a large number of Ryzom players are European and speak better English than me. Er, than I.
Anyway, I proceed to start to tell him how you had to equip your pickaxe and then look for the green resource thingies (yeah, I'm a great teacher) to harvest from.
He then proceeds to tell me how great the pickaxe would be as a weapon. In wonderfully vivid, graphic detail.
Dewy says, "i bet this could stab someone in the head an kill them"
You say, "Erm...no, it's not a weapon. You only use that for harvesting resources."
Dewy says, "it wuld split there skull. these 2 pointy things would stab right thru it. like a melon."
This is the point in the conversation when I would fake a nice lag spike and run out of town. I tried to do so this time, only Dewy followed me, continuing on his gross narrative.
Dewy says, "where u goin? hunting? want help? i'll use dis pick. but i wont poke yer skull, har har!"
I tried to figure out what buttons make me run faster.
Right about then, I spot a few Kitins, the big crab monsters, nearby. Normally, a group of them causes me to give them a wide berth, as I'm still not comfortable taking more than a couple of them on at a time. However, this was one occasion I would have gladly given them a big kiss (if I could've figured out where their mouth was). See, I am a full combat package. To my understanding, that makes me tougher than someone who has picked harvesting as one of their three actions at character creation. So I felt pretty confident that I could run through this group of Kitins and at least one of them would take notice of Dewy and commence with the eating of his face.
Instead, they all immediately pounce on me. And then the Lag Fairy, perhaps sensing that I had faked a visit from her earlier this night, decides to pay me a visit. The end result, as best I can tell, is that I attracted the attention of about four Kitins and then charged face-first into a cliff, staying with my face buried in a corner while they devoured my oh-so-tasty buttocks.
It was a moment straight out of the Blair Witch Project, standing in the corner like that, waiting for my doom.
Dewy tells you, "ha, that was funnee! y did you not fight bak? want me 2 help u levl?"
Sigh. Ok, it was worse than the Blair Witch - at least she wasn't sending the kids /tells during their whole ordeal offering to help power level them.
Fine. I can be as much a bastich as anyone, and if there's anything besides getting myself killed that I'm good at, it's getting OTHER people killed. So I tell Dewy to meet me back in town and I'll help him gather more resources. The plan, of course, is just to get him killed.
You say, "Come on, I'll lead you to some resources and fight off any Kitin that are around."
Dewy says, "cool! uh but they killd u las time?"
Damn kids. Doesn't he know nobody likes a smart-alec?
You say, "No, it's fine - last time it was the lag that killed me."
Dewy says, "oh - cuz it looked like it was teh crab things that killed u"
So much hate...
Anyway, I lead him out of town to some resource spawns, and then teach him how to use the pickaxe in a thoroughly non-skull-spiking-related manner. The whole time, of course, I'm looking for spawns near Kitins, still intent on getting him killed. Finally I spot one that's by two Kitins - and they're both wandering near it from time to time, so I figure it's completely perfect for my needs.
I lead him over to it, and stop a little distance off.
You say, "Oh, there's a good one. Just don't get too close to those Kitins!"
Dewy says, "i wont - i saw them tear u up n dont want taht 2 happen 2 me!"
Har har.
He goes off and begins harvesting. Now, to complete this picture, I have to give you a bit of details. If you drew a straight line, it would pass through the local points of interest like this: me, Dewy, the resource spawn, Kitin 1 and Kitin 2. So he's between them and I, get it?
WELL THEN EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE @#$% THOSE #$%#ING #$%HOLES CHARGE STRAIGHT PAST HIM AND BEGIN ATTACKING ME!!!!!!
He takes about two swings with his pickaxe into the resource pile, and immediately the Kitin sit up and come charging over. I'm gleefully bouncing up and down in my seat, waiting for them to begin dismembering him - and instead they charge right past him and both jump onto me.
Lovely. This has just turned from a simple plan to get an idiot killed to some sort of karmic revenge for the Ninja Scheme.
To make things worse, he keeps on sending me /tells about what I did wrong.
Dewy tells you, "u shouldnt hav goten so close 2 tehm."
Dewy tells you, "n next time don't try 2 run, just fight. they'r FAST. i watched them chase u n knew u wouldnt make it."
Dewy tells you, "want me to help u lern to fight?"
Dewy tells you, "u need a bigger sword"
Dewy tells you, "hello?"
About this time, I curled into a ball under my desk and wept softly, sucking my thumb.
I enjoyed the long strange ride the beta of Ryzom has been, and wish them all the best of luck in retail. I'd be there, but, ah - I've recently developed a certain... Dewyphobia... that's preventing me from playing (or at least admitting that I'm playing! Dewy might be listening!).
Good luck, Ryzom!
I think I have met Dewy
