Severed roots

[otaku157]

Narael sits in her usual quiet corner of the still-warm walls of Pyr, staring up at the clear sparkling sky. Little shows on her face but weariness, yet inside her head she is immersed in complete chaos.

>>*I don't understand...* she thinks, afraid even to write her thoughts down this time, *It was so much easier before...*

<<*You were miserable before. Alone. Weak. Ignorant.* it seems to be another voice in her head, yet still her own.

>>*But it's true, ignorance is bliss...* she mentally mumbles sullenly, *Still, it doesn't help me here. What should I do? These people... I care about them deeply, yet they seem to have their problems too... and I can barely deal with my own. Should I simply have walked away, not said anything at all? If so, then I'm no use as I thought.*

<<*Fine, you're no use,* comes the counter-voice, *Now what?*

>>*Then...* a moments pause as the thoughts swirl faster, *I suppose, I should just... leave.*

Narael curls up tightly in her corner, an old bodoc skin wrapped around her to keep the cool night winds off. She closes her eyes and desperately hopes for sleep to take her away from her thoughts.

[otaku157]

It's so strange, everything is brand new.

Several days ago I awoke in the desert with no clue where I was or how I got there. A woman's voice spoke to me, saying that they would welcome my return. Who? Return to what? So it began.

From this book and from the people I have encountered I learned that my name is Narael and I was a member of the Order of the Dragonblades. Many people have spoken to me, it seems I had many friends. Jelathnia, Haldir, Thundyr, Souvec, Valko, Enon and Kas... so many names that strike a clear note in my head, and yet nothing comes to me. And they all seem as puzzled as I.

Several of the Dragonblades have told me that I departed from the Order earlier that day, before I awoke anew. That I left a strange note in the guild hall. I do not know what this means, but there must have been a reason. I will find out why I left. A man named Jyudas told me to beware of the Dragonblades. Strange. I must find out.

This entire time, the whole four days of my life, I have felt as if there is a cold but bright cloud just outside of my peripheral vision... perhaps a symptom of whatever caused my amnesia? It is so peculiar that it would block out such specific things... I know nothing of my past, but I know how to sew a vest or dig materials. I must find out what the difference is.

I must, I will learn what there is to be learned from this. I must.

[otaku157]

Na'Rael sits alone atop a high dune, resting her back against a wind worn tree. She stares at the last entry of her journal, her pen clutched lightly in a shaking hand. Finally, she takes a breath and begins carefully filling in a new page.

So much has happened since last I wrote. I thought after the incident that I would be able to be happy, to leave the past behind. Not so... I will start where I left off.

I wandered long and wide, searching for balm for my aching heart. I could not stop thinking of my lost love. Finally heeding Kas's suggestion, I journeyed to Zora to seek answers in his former home land. There I met many mystics and healers, but all gave me nothing but tired platitudes and cold comfort. I despaired, and wandered the jungle aimlessly.

Tired and hungry, when I heard the voice I nearly thought it a delusion. Then I saw the strange old Zorai sitting among the bamboo. "I can see your pain," he said, "And I can help you." I was suspicious of course, especially when he would not give me a name, but I was desperate.

He gave me a bottle and instructions. "You must see your life without the burden of your past." I drank his concoction and severed my guild seed, hoping that I would not bring my friends into it.

The next day I awoke with no knowledge of who I was or where I came from. However, I could not avoid my dear friends. They cared for me while I explored the world in wonder.

When finally the drug wore off I wept, for I finally understood what Dinrandir had told me. All the pain I had felt was caused by my own need to cling tightly to my past. I became as a new person, vowing to live my life to it's fullest... as he was not able to do.

I attacked my studies with new vigour, fearing little and laughing more. I thought that my life would finally be filled with happiness rather than regret. Then tragedy struck.

I awoke one day in confusion. Several of my friends had left the Dragonblades for a new guild, citing Haldir's leadership as the main reason. While I do not believe he is perfect, I feel he led us well. However most of the conflict seemed to be personal. I can get few details from any of the parties involved, but what is done is done.

Haldir conceeded leadership to Zyquo, hoping this would placate everyone. It seems it did not.

That day... it was so pleasant at first. I helped Haldir in coordinating the traditional weekly training day, knowing that things would become tougher with so many gone. He commended me on my leadership... how I glowed under his praise. Zyquo was there with us as well. He was quiet, but cordial.

It was decided that there would be a meeting to determine the future of the Order's leadership. I eagerly awaited it, hoping to add my own voice and hear others. We all spoke... I do not know if we were heard.

Many were the speeches given that day, each of us either defending Haldir or speaking for his permanent removal as leader. I listened patiently and waited to see how Zyquo would have us make the decision. After everyone had said their peace he stood up. And told us that our speech had been in vain. There would be no vote, the decision had been made. Haldir was to be cast out of the Dragonblades, the guild which he had built. I stood to speak once more.

"I said earlier that my loyalty is to the Order. I know now that is not entirely true. My loyalty is to the people, to my friends. I can not in good faith stay here." So I returned my blades and gear and left.

I joined House Etchmarc, the first guild to come of the split. There, at least, I could be with my friends. However I do not intend to stay for long. Souvec, one of the former High Officers of the Order, has started a new guild called the Circle of Lumindra. There, the leadership would be taken up by the elected high officers and conflicts would be taken to a mediator. It seems a noble idea, and I want to see it succeed.

However, I have not been able to begin aiding them yet... Something else came up. My sisters came for me one day. They informed me that our mother was dying, and she had asked for me. I packed my things immediately and spoke to the Ring technicians to arrange the journey. So much went through my mind then... Was she going to finally welcome me back into the family? Did she accept me now?

I was sorely disappointed. When I arrived at my old home, I thought I would feel elation at being back. Yet, walking over the threshold I felt nothing. This place was no home to me. I dropped my pack inside the door as Faren and Lehan led me to Mother's bedroom.

Seeing her that way was a shock, she had always been so strong but the sickness had taken it all away, shrunken her. She lay propped up on pillows, unable to even lift her head, but her eyes followed me as I walked to her bedside.

"So... you came," she rasped. "I hear you have taken up a blade, become stronger." I nodded.

"I found a cause I was willing to fight for," I said softly. She coughed weakly, motioning me closer.

"I knew it would happen someday, you are of Rael's blood," she said as I leaned in to hear her weak voice. "You are worthy of it now. Throw aside your needles and thread and you can be a Hardwind once again."

I stared at her in shock for a moment. Then I shook my head softly.

"You can not take my name from me. I have always been Na'Rael Talsin Hardwind. I will not give up who I am, no matter what. Good bye, Mother."

With that I left, knowing I would never see her again.

Na'Rael leans her head back with a sigh, closing her eyes for a moment. She closes her book and stuffs it into her pack haphazardly, leaning over and curling herself against the trunk of the tree.

[kitty157]

This will be my final entry into this book, though I've barely filled a few of the pages.

A few seasons ago I approached a friend and was turned away for the fact that I would not abandon another. I understand his reasons, partly, but... I suppose I am too soft-hearted.

Thus, full of regret I returned to the island of Silan, where I had once been content if not completely happy. I feared that the happy times would never return. I had planned on spending the rest of my days there helping the new recruits when the friend I refused to abandon approached me with news.

A new land, he said, somewhere far from the politics of Atys and full of adventure and freedom. A place where we could start anew.

So I will be leaving. For now, I will wait on Silan where I have taken my mother's maiden name, Arcir, and give my aid to all those who wish it. I will bask on the shore of Shining Island, battle the kitins in the jungle, hunt materials in the slaveni field and cull the bandits. And when the time comes, I will leave this place forever.

This is a record of my deeds and observations on Atys. But I will leave the past behind me, that someone may learn from it. I hope that Atys will continue to prosper, though I will not be here to see it.


Na'Rael Talsin Hardwind

Na'Rael places her journal in an oiled cloth pouch and leaves it beneath the base of a crolice root, then walks away.