Ryzom

Reported earlier this morning through Inter Galactic Peace Force Satellite subspace communications, The world of Atys is collapsing and the Biped population is nearly eliminated. A few surviving Atysians are said to be holed up in remote areas too afraid to travel between their former cities to form any sort of a retaliatory effort. Chaos is reigning and the IGPO has been too busy battling internal afffairs to mount an effective insurgence of support.

Once a thriving ecology of several races with a deep culture and promising history, Atys is now being chronicled for future historical puposes in the event another world endangered might be saved based on the data of the events leading to Atys' demise.

Some reports from nearby outposts are reporting an extreme upswing of paranormal presences appearing to be a "spiritual highway" streaming outward from Atys and rallying at points beyond the failing planet's gravitational bounds. Speculation as to whether this is a result of the slaughter on the surface, or a survival technique employed as a last ditch effort to attempt to continue life elsewhere has yet to be determined but is under heightened watch and we will report to you as soon as we can further assess the anomole.

This has been a special bulletin issued by the IGPO.
SAT TRANS 14008:32 on 911.11.4.2004

LMAO! That was just too funny!

They're looking for a way back to the newbie islands to hold of the swarms of killer yubos .

"This is Be'laupee Corath with the Tryker News Network. We're interrupting your normal programming to bring you this update on the Battle For Atys [theme music plays ]. We have conflicting reports coming in from citizens of the capital cities, some of whom are attempting to rally morale by insisting the onslaught of near-certain death is yet another challenge to overcome, others of whom were unavailable for comment due to an acute case of no-longer-breathing-itis. For more insight on the situation, we take you now to Yavinia Morlai, a TNN reporter who has been seeded with the 67th Terraforming Brigade out of Yrkanis. Yavinia, what's the situation there?"

[slight pause during transmission]

Yavinia: "Be'lauppee, it's a madhouse out here. Due to great population losses, the Matis military has been relying upon draftees to fill their ranks, most of whom are young and inexperienced. Unforunately, these draftees are being made short work of by a new and vicious breed of suckling yubos."

Be'lauppee: "Are no tactics successful, Yavinia?"

Yavinia: "It doesn't appear so, Be'lauppee. One-on-one strategies appear to mean certain death. Even group assaults tend to result in at least some loss of life. Fortunately, local miners have reported great boosts in their findings and have been providing the troops with massive shipments of ore."

Be'laupee: "Has the military complex been able to make use of the ore in order to provide the military with increasingly effective weapons for use in repelling this new strain of yubos?"

Yavinia: "Weapons? No, I'm afraid not, Be'laupee. Most of the soldiers are just throwing the stuff at the rodents as an attempt to cover their escape attempts. Regrettably, the success rate is rather slim at this point."

Be'laupee: "What about Matisian magery, Yavinia? Have the sapcasters been effective in repelling the assaults?"

Yavinia: "Many have tried, Be'laupee, but these new yubos appear to have developed some amazing resistances to sapcraft. Reports indicate that they also are a good deal heartier than previous strains. As result, the bodycount has been rising steadily each day."

Be'laupee: "I see. We'll keep our fingers crossed for you at the studio, Yavinia. Keep your head down."

Yavinia: "I'll do my-" [a shrill scream fills the air, followed by a muffled thud ]

Be'lauppee: "Umm..yes, well. Let's go to our Zorai branch where Li'po Chao is standing by with a Kami representative and its translator. Li'po, what's the situation there?"

Li'po: "Good evening, Be'laupee. I'm standing at the Kami shrine outside Zora with an unnamed Kami informant and its translator to get an idea of what might be responsible for this new wave of mutated wildlife. Mister..err..miss..err..friend Kami, what can you tell us about the situation?"

Kami: "Blurp boonie pop klutee zowfol Jena POW!"

Translator: "It says that Jena has gone insane and has begun manipulating the land and its inhabitants in order to destroy her own creation."

Li'po: "It said all of that?"

Translator: "Well, it was a bit more succinct, but its terminology would not be appropriate for mainstream media."

Li'po: "Ah, I see. Well, what was it that caused you to conclude the Goddess had lost her mind, friend Kami?"

Kami: "Zoola conti machto falumba niknik. Towinga chao findo mats ding ding zilch, zow ooba ooba ooba."

Translator: "It said that the land has begun to behave erratically. One minute it is exuding toxic gasses, deadly explosions and miniscule portions of ore, the next minute it is producing copious amounts of the very same material with little or no activity at all, and all of this in the very same spot. As the land is an extension of the Goddess, it stands to reason that the Goddess has had a breakdown of some sort. Jena's madness is reflected in the madness of the land."

[Li'po squints skeptically ]

Li'po: "Are you sure you're translating correctly? That seemed a bit more verbose than the Kami's offerred words."

Translator: "Well, the direct translation would be 'Goddess [censored ] land, Goddess make land bloom. Goddess is crazy as [censored ]."

Li'po: "Ah. I see. Friend Kami, is there anything the people of Atys can do to help the Goddess? Traditionally in epics, an insignificant force triumphs over insurmountable odds to bring freedom and happiness to the land."

Kami: "Mook mook mook! Lin forli moya non!"

Translator: "Run run run! She'll kill you all soon."

[Li'po laughs nervously ]

Li'po: "Uh, thank you. Live from the heartland, this is Li'po Chao. Back to you, Be'lauppee."

Be'lauppee: "Thank you, Li'po. It sounds like this will be a good year for Fike crosstrainers! Let's turn now to Landro Mirni in the Fyros homeland. Landro, can you hear me?"

Landro: "Yes, Be'lauppee. I'm currently standing outside the Prime Roots. I've travelled here with a group of seasoned miners who are attempting to gather the rarest of materials in order to provide their military counterparts a fighting chance against the newly-termed "SkruYubos." Unfortunately, most of the troupe was slain along the way, but a few have managed to get inside the Roots."

Be'lauppee: "Have they sent anything back out yet, Lando?"

Landro: "My name's Landro, not Lando. This isn't some silly space opera, you know. With regard to your question, only soiled underpants and a severed arm have been recovered at this point, Be'lauppee. We're hoping for better results soon, however."

Be'lauppee: "I see. Well, even if worse comes to worst, you won't go home empty-handed. Has any thought gone into using what ore you're able to find to create magical amplifiers for the upcoming battles?"

Landro: "The possibility was investigated, Be'lauppee, but it seems as if an unexplainable wave of short-term memory loss has washed across the artisans of the land."

Be'lauppee: "Memory loss? Can you expand on that, Landro?"

Landro: "Well, at first nobody could remember how to make the amplifiers. It was as if they all suddenly had the information wiped from their minds. Then one guy said he thought he could make some magic mittens. He was teased ruthlessly by his peers for several days before they all just shrugged and decided to try it."

Be'lauppee: "I see. And how did that go?"

Landro: "Not so well, Be'lauppee. It seemed as if no matter how hard they tried, the artisans were unable to learn from their mistakes. They just kept making the same one-fingered mitten over and over again. This was made even worse by the fact that the one finger they kept making was in a rather embarrassing location."

Be'lauppee: "Oh dear. I can see how that might be problematic. Have you heard any other news in the area, Landro?"

Landro: "Well, rumors are circulating that the kitin may be massing for raids upon the Fyros cities, but we haven't had confirmation yet."

Be'lauppee: "Heavens! If the yubos and gingos are laying waste to the population, I can only imagine what a kitin invasion would do! I assume the population is making preparations for their defense. Have their efforts produced anything?"

Landro: "Yes and no. They haven't come up with anything to improve their defense, but they've been producing much the same thing as their miners have here at the Roots."

Be'lauppee: "What's that, Landro? I thought they hadn't found any ore just yet."

Landro: "Oh, no, they haven't. I was referring to the soiled underpants."

Be'lauppee: "Ah. Yes. Well. What about the artisians? Have they come up with any last minute ideas?"

Landro: "Most of the artisians have turned to religion at this point, Be'lauppee."

Be'lauppee: "I see. Well, prayer can certainly be a great aid in unpredictable times."

Landro: "Well, yes, Be'lauppee, but that's not what I was referring to. The artisans have all begun to leave their one-fingered magic mittens at various shrines to Jena scattered across the land."

Be'lauppee: "Ah. Well, thank you for your report, Landro. Be safe out there. Let's go now to Mac'rowlin Dougal in the Lakelands for our final report. Mac'rowlin, how is the Tryker population handling the current situation?"

Mac'rowlin: "Well, Be'lauppee, I'm uncertain. Other than you and I, I haven't seen another Tryker in weeks. In a related story, however, the Lakeland cloppers are looking well-fed. This winter's crabbing season appears as though it'll be a huge success if any of the population managed to survive."

Be'lauppee: "Well, thanks Mac'rowlin. It's always nice to end the evening with good news. To everyone out there on Atys who's still breathing, good night, and may the good news be yours."

Please stop, I'm having a hard time explaining the laughter

LMAF!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the funniest thing i have read in a very looooong time. I am having difficulty controlling myself (I am at work).

LOL LOL LOL LOL

You know.....in a way...this makes the whole thing a bit more bearer....

Even though everyone at work thinks I'm losing my mind laughing alone in my corner like this....don't stop....

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

kachina wrote:LOL LOL LOL LOL

You know.....in a way...this makes the whole thing a bit more bearer....

Even though everyone at work thinks I'm losing my mind laughing alone in my corner like this....don't stop....

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

If I end up writing any more, I may just put them all in one thread. This is the third or fourth one I've done now, but they've all been responses to other posts. If any of the upcoming patches are like the last two, at least I'll have plenty of material until my subscription runs out.

LMAO!!!

BRILLIANT!

You know, I came back to the forums despite having cancelled to see if anything was new (another fixer patch coming I see? Hmm... this time mayyyybe...????)..

Anyway... man.. that is some of the funniest and most creative writing I've read in a *long* time. You should have an official column on the website or on IGN's vault or something.. My co-workers now think I'm crazed like Jena from laughing so much.

<applauds>

Well done and much needed in these threads lately, thanks !

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