Fencoomb Ponds, Upper Bog of Verdant Heights
It's winter already, and a rainy one. I won't look back in these pages, but I think it was a rainy winter, when Gyles left. Either way, I remember a rainy winter on Silan.
I just finished following two tiny Yelk all the way from deep inside Fleeting Garden, to the northern edges of the Fearing Fens, where they sat down and refused to move. I have seen these two little yelk all the way over near Finding Farm. Odd little things, so far from home.
Later - Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
I didn't think I could have such a long day. Attacked by a pack of gingos, tossed around by Wyac. Beaten up by the Fyros of the Slash and Burn tribe, while their Karavan Ambassador just watched. Trampled by an arma, and knocked unconscious a few times by nodes. Still, I managed enough materials to finally figure a better design for my axes. When I took it to the merchant, she put it in with the rest of the quality 190 weapons. I'd be more excited if I wasn't so exhausted. I also learned to refine an equivalent quality material from forest nodes. Thanks to Kas, I didn't have any more incidents.
I wonder if what Enon said holds some merit. I had the physically rough day, but I kept working and he felt exhausted after having done nothing. It's possible to have such a connection with another homin, but I've always felt so disconnected - is it possible?
My father sent me another letter, asking if I had read the letter and logbooks he gave me. I haven't. I really don't want to. I wrote back and told him as much. I told him about Senator Dios and her recent conferences and the like. I wonder what will come of them.
I have tried to write half a dozen drafts for the King, but I haven't sent one. I should do that soon. Still no word, and no apparent change in Almati.
I did spend time in the Grove of Confusion with Jelathnia. In fact, most of autumn was spent with the Sap Slave tribe. It's an interesting area to explore. Winter brought the ocyx closer. I'm getting better at traveling there on my own without getting bitten or struck by kincher-charges. Thank Jena.
I gave some of my old armor and the like to the Seeds. Maybe I shouldn't have, but the House has been so quiet, and I can't stand seeing perfectly good equipment gathering dust. I asked Zyquo to deliver them for me. He's been very kind to me lately. Delivering those things, and then the bundle of fiber - I wish he wouldn't. I know he's working on his own projects.
I'm too tired to think straight.
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Moderators: The Soothsayer, Lanist, Xaphon Zessen
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
Quite a bit has happened since spring's thaw. The past few days, however, have been the oddest.
First the inappropriate 'assault' on my person in the training camp in upper Yrkanis. I'm usually glad to see any member of the Pyr Militia. I watched many of them grow from foundling homins into powerful homins under Valko's care. Maybe I was too sensitive, but no one has ever, ever dared to do something like that to me in public. Ever.
I couldn't even tolerate potential joking on the matter from Valko, and I'm afraid I overreacted. In a horrible way. What is done is done, though. Such matters, to me, are not joking matters. Maybe it means I'm "not fun", but I'm not the kind of girl who likes being treated like a piece of meat in the middle of a varinx pack.
What's done is done - that doesn't mean I don't wish it could be undone, or had never happened.
More recently have been the fainting spells. The worst was being unable to wake in time to assist in defense of an outpost.
I had a dream. It was like most of my dreams, about fire. It was dark and I was floating. There was fire beneath me, and a glowing sun above me. I was touching neither for the longest time and then the fire below me flared up, burning at my legs. I reached out for the sun above me. I had almost reached it, knowing that somehow I could pull myself out of the fires below if I could just grab hold. For a moment, the sun turned into the reflection of light off of the helmet of a Karavan officer, and just as quickly the image was gone. My fingers brushed the sun and it blinked out; it was gone. Everything faded to blackness - even the fire at my feet, although it continued to burn. I was trapped there like that, burning. I could hear voices in the darkness. Murmurings of a dozen or more, all seeming to speak to me, none of them clear. They kept getting louder and louder, some still whispering and hissing, some almost yelling until they all seemed to say together "the truth!" and then I was awake.
I knew I had to hurry to meet with the others in the Void. I stood up and I remember a wave of dizziness, stumbling to my desk. My hand touched the unopened letter from my father, and everything went dark. When I woke up again, it was many hours later and I was on the floor. I haven't been out trying to practice channeling sap, so I'm uncertain as to what triggered these spells. Last night, after harvesting with Zyquo, I half fainted three times on my way to my apartment. Enough that my mind could not keep connections to others, or even hold a simple grouping link. A guard accompanied me to my apartment and helped me to my door.
I tossed and turned most of the night, unable to sleep, despite being tired.
Later, I'll start working with the materials Zyquo helped me gather. Over 1200 bundles of wood. I should be able to work it into some very nice medium armor, maybe some heavy. If I can get fiber, I can do some sewing. Plenty to do if I want to make room for what I'll need to continue working with my axes. The merchants estimate what I make now as quality 190. I'll have to start playing with materials to see what works best together. For now, I'm just focusing on learning the design techniques. I can worry about what shell or claw is sharpest and smoothest afterward.
Quite a bit has happened since spring's thaw. The past few days, however, have been the oddest.
First the inappropriate 'assault' on my person in the training camp in upper Yrkanis. I'm usually glad to see any member of the Pyr Militia. I watched many of them grow from foundling homins into powerful homins under Valko's care. Maybe I was too sensitive, but no one has ever, ever dared to do something like that to me in public. Ever.
I couldn't even tolerate potential joking on the matter from Valko, and I'm afraid I overreacted. In a horrible way. What is done is done, though. Such matters, to me, are not joking matters. Maybe it means I'm "not fun", but I'm not the kind of girl who likes being treated like a piece of meat in the middle of a varinx pack.
What's done is done - that doesn't mean I don't wish it could be undone, or had never happened.
More recently have been the fainting spells. The worst was being unable to wake in time to assist in defense of an outpost.
I had a dream. It was like most of my dreams, about fire. It was dark and I was floating. There was fire beneath me, and a glowing sun above me. I was touching neither for the longest time and then the fire below me flared up, burning at my legs. I reached out for the sun above me. I had almost reached it, knowing that somehow I could pull myself out of the fires below if I could just grab hold. For a moment, the sun turned into the reflection of light off of the helmet of a Karavan officer, and just as quickly the image was gone. My fingers brushed the sun and it blinked out; it was gone. Everything faded to blackness - even the fire at my feet, although it continued to burn. I was trapped there like that, burning. I could hear voices in the darkness. Murmurings of a dozen or more, all seeming to speak to me, none of them clear. They kept getting louder and louder, some still whispering and hissing, some almost yelling until they all seemed to say together "the truth!" and then I was awake.
I knew I had to hurry to meet with the others in the Void. I stood up and I remember a wave of dizziness, stumbling to my desk. My hand touched the unopened letter from my father, and everything went dark. When I woke up again, it was many hours later and I was on the floor. I haven't been out trying to practice channeling sap, so I'm uncertain as to what triggered these spells. Last night, after harvesting with Zyquo, I half fainted three times on my way to my apartment. Enough that my mind could not keep connections to others, or even hold a simple grouping link. A guard accompanied me to my apartment and helped me to my door.
I tossed and turned most of the night, unable to sleep, despite being tired.
Later, I'll start working with the materials Zyquo helped me gather. Over 1200 bundles of wood. I should be able to work it into some very nice medium armor, maybe some heavy. If I can get fiber, I can do some sewing. Plenty to do if I want to make room for what I'll need to continue working with my axes. The merchants estimate what I make now as quality 190. I'll have to start playing with materials to see what works best together. For now, I'm just focusing on learning the design techniques. I can worry about what shell or claw is sharpest and smoothest afterward.
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Office of the Etchmarc Hall, Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
Enon was still asleep. Jeziellia gazed at him with a soft smile as the haze of sleep lifted from her. HIs expression was a mask of calm, utter relaxation. One hand rested possessively on her hip beneath the blankets of their makeshift bed in his office. She leaned forward, brushing a light kiss over his lips. He stirred, pulling her toward him in a subconscious gesture. She smiled, moving easily to rest against him, resting her cheek on his shoulder.
After a few moments, she slowly withdrew herself from his grip. He grumbled in protest but did not wake. She retrieved her journal and settled down next to him once more. He rolled onto his side, draping an arm over her lap, pressing his forehead against her leg. Jeziellia smiled and brushed his hair back from his face before opening her journal...
I really do love Enon. Sometimes, most especially when he's asleep. I couldn't say that out loud; it wouldn't sound the way I mean it at all. He's so peaceful. There's no smirking, there's no chuckling at things, there's no burdens or errands weighing on him. His attention isn't spread all over the face of Atys. It is finally at rest, if only for a while. I like watching homins sleep, I think. Those moments of perfect tranquility. I wonder if Kas is always like that. I reached out to sense him - he usually sleeps downstairs - but he's not in the Hall. I doubt he's sleeping in his apartment either. He seems to use that mostly for equipment storage.
I know he's been working on something lately, and it hasn't been his foraging or crafting. I keep seeing him with that guide that lead Enon and me through to my family's settlement when Nysia was sick. That means journies into the Old Lands. I know he was taking a trip out to the Black Circle tribe to check on something. I want to ask the Ring Terminal technician questions, but I don't want to feel like I'm prying into Kas's business. I'm sure that whatever he's working on is very important.
Besides that, I have troubles enough to focus on.
This will sound ridiculous no matter how I write it: I have a Tryker stuck in my head. Of course not physically, but mentally. I was in contact with Mercellus and the
He startled me. I reacted too strongly. I slammed all connections closed, and now some small essence of his is still here. I've tried to keep it contained, safe from impressions of my own thoughts and feelings. I have no way of knowing if it worked. I know he went unconscious when it happened - I could almost feel it. And I felt someone carrying his body away. He still is, obviously, connected to his own Nanoseed. I just have to find a way to put the rest of him back?
I need to be more careful. I have never had this happen before, never had anyone upset that thing before.
Jeziellia felt a light scratch on her thigh. She looked down and Enon had her officer's badge, dragging the tip of the pin delicately over her skin, his eyes watching the light pink that rose in its wake. She shook her head with a slight smile.
I don't know how I forgot to write it down. A few seasons ago, I awoke to a House Officer badge on my pillow. I never expected it, and I think Enon was afraid I would not accept it. I did. Come to think of it, I don't know if I ever showed him my appreciation for that gift of trust and responsibility.
Jeziellia closed the journal, leaning over to tuck it under her pack. Enon rolled onto his back, putting one hand behind his head, the other toying with her badge, while he watched her. She reached out, taking the officer badge from him and setting it aside, before settling down next to him once more.
"Did I ever thank you for that?" She rested her cheek on his chest, her fingers toying with the hem of the blanket.
"Did you think you had to?" Jeziellia could picture the quirk of his brow and the slight grin on his face just by the tone of his words.
She turned her head so her chin rested on his chest and she could look at him. A smile curved her lips, "No, but I'd like to..."
Enon was still asleep. Jeziellia gazed at him with a soft smile as the haze of sleep lifted from her. HIs expression was a mask of calm, utter relaxation. One hand rested possessively on her hip beneath the blankets of their makeshift bed in his office. She leaned forward, brushing a light kiss over his lips. He stirred, pulling her toward him in a subconscious gesture. She smiled, moving easily to rest against him, resting her cheek on his shoulder.
After a few moments, she slowly withdrew herself from his grip. He grumbled in protest but did not wake. She retrieved her journal and settled down next to him once more. He rolled onto his side, draping an arm over her lap, pressing his forehead against her leg. Jeziellia smiled and brushed his hair back from his face before opening her journal...
I really do love Enon. Sometimes, most especially when he's asleep. I couldn't say that out loud; it wouldn't sound the way I mean it at all. He's so peaceful. There's no smirking, there's no chuckling at things, there's no burdens or errands weighing on him. His attention isn't spread all over the face of Atys. It is finally at rest, if only for a while. I like watching homins sleep, I think. Those moments of perfect tranquility. I wonder if Kas is always like that. I reached out to sense him - he usually sleeps downstairs - but he's not in the Hall. I doubt he's sleeping in his apartment either. He seems to use that mostly for equipment storage.
I know he's been working on something lately, and it hasn't been his foraging or crafting. I keep seeing him with that guide that lead Enon and me through to my family's settlement when Nysia was sick. That means journies into the Old Lands. I know he was taking a trip out to the Black Circle tribe to check on something. I want to ask the Ring Terminal technician questions, but I don't want to feel like I'm prying into Kas's business. I'm sure that whatever he's working on is very important.
Besides that, I have troubles enough to focus on.
This will sound ridiculous no matter how I write it: I have a Tryker stuck in my head. Of course not physically, but mentally. I was in contact with Mercellus and the
He startled me. I reacted too strongly. I slammed all connections closed, and now some small essence of his is still here. I've tried to keep it contained, safe from impressions of my own thoughts and feelings. I have no way of knowing if it worked. I know he went unconscious when it happened - I could almost feel it. And I felt someone carrying his body away. He still is, obviously, connected to his own Nanoseed. I just have to find a way to put the rest of him back?
I need to be more careful. I have never had this happen before, never had anyone upset that thing before.
Jeziellia felt a light scratch on her thigh. She looked down and Enon had her officer's badge, dragging the tip of the pin delicately over her skin, his eyes watching the light pink that rose in its wake. She shook her head with a slight smile.
I don't know how I forgot to write it down. A few seasons ago, I awoke to a House Officer badge on my pillow. I never expected it, and I think Enon was afraid I would not accept it. I did. Come to think of it, I don't know if I ever showed him my appreciation for that gift of trust and responsibility.
Jeziellia closed the journal, leaning over to tuck it under her pack. Enon rolled onto his back, putting one hand behind his head, the other toying with her badge, while he watched her. She reached out, taking the officer badge from him and setting it aside, before settling down next to him once more.
"Did I ever thank you for that?" She rested her cheek on his chest, her fingers toying with the hem of the blanket.
"Did you think you had to?" Jeziellia could picture the quirk of his brow and the slight grin on his face just by the tone of his words.
She turned her head so her chin rested on his chest and she could look at him. A smile curved her lips, "No, but I'd like to..."
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
The youngest member of the House, Kalysto, is finally on the mainland. She's a little strange. Very strange. As though her Seed was split, or she contains two. We're not entirely certain, I think, if she'll be a permanent addition to the House or not. If she's unstable, it could be a risk. Time will tell.
I took her out to Fleeting Garden, to assist Emberstorm with some foraging. It'll be a good experience for them both to work together, I think. The twins should be here soon. I admit I haven't kept track of time in that regard. It'll happen when it happens. The same with Jelathnia. I admit, however, that it was a little disturbing to see Kas ill like that.
I saw a notice he'd posted up looking for laborers to go into the Old Lands. I'm worried. His moods have been shifting rather quickly lately, and this past spring he was crossing thoughts. That is unlike Kas. Very unlike him. I wonder if I should mention it to Enon.
It's probably nothing. I hope it's nothing.
I've been unable to find any information on Mercellus. I was so occupied in my sewing last night that I forgot to even attempt to contact Kendrus. I did send a letter to Perun though, knowing he is at least diligent with his correspondance. I've received nothing back; I didn't expect anything. I do trust that he'd let Kendrus know though.
Lini keeps looking at me oddly and I'm sure the market merchants are tired of me bringing them piles of slightly mismatched sleeves, and stiff medium armor vests. However, I've proved myself worthy of recognition as a Medium armorer. My light armor and my heavy armor is almost as good. I'm a little better with the heavy armor than the light. I always have been. In fact, I'm surprised I did so well with the medium armor, but then I had more desert materials to practice with, and I don't make Fyros styled heavy armor.
The Mercellus Essence, as I've decided to call it, has not been intrusive at all. Or perhaps the word is 'obtrustive'? Either way, it lies fairly dormant. A soft candle's glow of warmth. Caring. I hesitate to write it because it sounds so strange even to my own mind, but it's almost the feeling like when my father would smile and approve of something I'd done. I know my father loves me, and Mercellus only a short time ago claimed to love me as one of family. That's always what reaches me when he contacts me; caring, warmth, concern, love. Familial love, I think, is how I described it to Kas. I like it. Still, I feel it is important to return this to Mercellus soon.
The possibilities are unknown. He could still be unconscious. Or if he's awake, is he without this part of his personality, as it were? It seems farfetched, but I'm learning not to underestimate strange things.
The only change I've noticed, beyond feeling more peaceful and happy overall (it is amazing what the simple warmth of caring can do when it exists in a constant state in a homin mind, and is from an otherwise 'outside' force) is when I try to channel the Sap of Atys. Normally I can feel the darkness threatening me. It makes my legs ache, straining to draw the Sap through myself, to shape it. Now, the candle flame glows brighter and seems to help make things easier. As if, perhaps, I'm able to channel a little bit of Sap through his essence, through his connection to his nanoseed, and its connection in turn to Atys, undamaged.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't like these effects. What strange possibilities. Already, a small part of me will be sad to see the effects go. But this is part of Mercellus and must be returned - mustn't it?
The youngest member of the House, Kalysto, is finally on the mainland. She's a little strange. Very strange. As though her Seed was split, or she contains two. We're not entirely certain, I think, if she'll be a permanent addition to the House or not. If she's unstable, it could be a risk. Time will tell.
I took her out to Fleeting Garden, to assist Emberstorm with some foraging. It'll be a good experience for them both to work together, I think. The twins should be here soon. I admit I haven't kept track of time in that regard. It'll happen when it happens. The same with Jelathnia. I admit, however, that it was a little disturbing to see Kas ill like that.
I saw a notice he'd posted up looking for laborers to go into the Old Lands. I'm worried. His moods have been shifting rather quickly lately, and this past spring he was crossing thoughts. That is unlike Kas. Very unlike him. I wonder if I should mention it to Enon.
It's probably nothing. I hope it's nothing.
I've been unable to find any information on Mercellus. I was so occupied in my sewing last night that I forgot to even attempt to contact Kendrus. I did send a letter to Perun though, knowing he is at least diligent with his correspondance. I've received nothing back; I didn't expect anything. I do trust that he'd let Kendrus know though.
Lini keeps looking at me oddly and I'm sure the market merchants are tired of me bringing them piles of slightly mismatched sleeves, and stiff medium armor vests. However, I've proved myself worthy of recognition as a Medium armorer. My light armor and my heavy armor is almost as good. I'm a little better with the heavy armor than the light. I always have been. In fact, I'm surprised I did so well with the medium armor, but then I had more desert materials to practice with, and I don't make Fyros styled heavy armor.
The Mercellus Essence, as I've decided to call it, has not been intrusive at all. Or perhaps the word is 'obtrustive'? Either way, it lies fairly dormant. A soft candle's glow of warmth. Caring. I hesitate to write it because it sounds so strange even to my own mind, but it's almost the feeling like when my father would smile and approve of something I'd done. I know my father loves me, and Mercellus only a short time ago claimed to love me as one of family. That's always what reaches me when he contacts me; caring, warmth, concern, love. Familial love, I think, is how I described it to Kas. I like it. Still, I feel it is important to return this to Mercellus soon.
The possibilities are unknown. He could still be unconscious. Or if he's awake, is he without this part of his personality, as it were? It seems farfetched, but I'm learning not to underestimate strange things.
The only change I've noticed, beyond feeling more peaceful and happy overall (it is amazing what the simple warmth of caring can do when it exists in a constant state in a homin mind, and is from an otherwise 'outside' force) is when I try to channel the Sap of Atys. Normally I can feel the darkness threatening me. It makes my legs ache, straining to draw the Sap through myself, to shape it. Now, the candle flame glows brighter and seems to help make things easier. As if, perhaps, I'm able to channel a little bit of Sap through his essence, through his connection to his nanoseed, and its connection in turn to Atys, undamaged.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't like these effects. What strange possibilities. Already, a small part of me will be sad to see the effects go. But this is part of Mercellus and must be returned - mustn't it?
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
Last night was exhausting. Aside from leaning against one of the large plants outside of Yrkanis and heaving until I thought I would turn inside out - and still being unable to get urge to go away - I spent a good part of it in contact with Perun. Exploring the Mercellus Essence.
I hadn't really expected to see him again. On the other hand, I didn't really expect he'd have kept his distance this long.
Which is it I want? I don't know.
We didn't learn much, except that he was probably in the Lakelands. There was a memory of just before I somehow trapped him, severing him from himself as it were - sand. As he was also at a distance from me, and I was in the desert, well that leaves one other 'obvious' clue.
When the green sickness hit, the best we could trace was somewhere to the south west. Again, likely the Lakelands.
And then there was the dream this morning. It was not my usual dream. There was no fire. There was something licking at my ear. At first I thought it might be Enon, even if it did seem a little odd. I turned to tell him to stop, and saw only the back of his head. He was still sound asleep. I could have sworn I heard a Trykette giggle too, but there was no one else in the room with us. I can only assume this is something connected with the Essence.
This development is a little worrisome.
I achieved recognition as a Heavy Armorer. I'm nearly broke now. Moreso than I was when I left Silan. I checked my pouch before I left, and I have only twenty thousand dapper to my name. It's time to go out and do some work instead of playing with all this stitchery.
Last night was exhausting. Aside from leaning against one of the large plants outside of Yrkanis and heaving until I thought I would turn inside out - and still being unable to get urge to go away - I spent a good part of it in contact with Perun. Exploring the Mercellus Essence.
I hadn't really expected to see him again. On the other hand, I didn't really expect he'd have kept his distance this long.
Which is it I want? I don't know.
We didn't learn much, except that he was probably in the Lakelands. There was a memory of just before I somehow trapped him, severing him from himself as it were - sand. As he was also at a distance from me, and I was in the desert, well that leaves one other 'obvious' clue.
When the green sickness hit, the best we could trace was somewhere to the south west. Again, likely the Lakelands.
And then there was the dream this morning. It was not my usual dream. There was no fire. There was something licking at my ear. At first I thought it might be Enon, even if it did seem a little odd. I turned to tell him to stop, and saw only the back of his head. He was still sound asleep. I could have sworn I heard a Trykette giggle too, but there was no one else in the room with us. I can only assume this is something connected with the Essence.
This development is a little worrisome.
I achieved recognition as a Heavy Armorer. I'm nearly broke now. Moreso than I was when I left Silan. I checked my pouch before I left, and I have only twenty thousand dapper to my name. It's time to go out and do some work instead of playing with all this stitchery.
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
Secrets, secrets, and more secrets.
They don't trust me, not yet. Will they ever? If not by now, I can't help but feel they won't. Then again, how much do I really trust them? It's hard to turn that critical eye inward.
More visits with the tribes, for Kas. Then his injury, and his reluctance to talk about it, the sense that he said things he didn't mean to. I understand, Kas. I understand better than you may think. I haven't forgotten the Trove, or my questions. The questions I swallowed down and still carry about what happened there, with Enon. About the trip you both took. I still wonder. I just don't do it very often.
There are things that I can't know.
I understand. My only choice is to accept these things. The knowledge doesn't make controling the feelings any easier.
The Mercellus Essence has settled deeper, and it is aware of my stronger impressions. It leaves only comforting and warmth in its wake, making it very hard for me to be angry, and making casting much easier. Even without amplifiers. I probably shouldn't do that. I don't know what it's doing to him. I'm almost afraid of what so many impressions are going to do to him when he's made whole again. How much of me will he be taking with him, in the form of memories? I know he can sense when I spend time with Enon. When I'm very upset, or very happy. Generally extremes. Now that he's a little deeper than I'd intended? I don't know.
And why? Did Perun's presence urge him there? It's not uncomfortable really, but at the same time, it is. His presence tries to melt away the tension that builds, but I must keep him separate. I have to keep him as contained as I can. I need to find out if they've found any more clues to his whereabouts.
I'm honestly becoming afraid of what might happen if I don't return him to himself soon.
Secrets, secrets, and more secrets.
They don't trust me, not yet. Will they ever? If not by now, I can't help but feel they won't. Then again, how much do I really trust them? It's hard to turn that critical eye inward.
More visits with the tribes, for Kas. Then his injury, and his reluctance to talk about it, the sense that he said things he didn't mean to. I understand, Kas. I understand better than you may think. I haven't forgotten the Trove, or my questions. The questions I swallowed down and still carry about what happened there, with Enon. About the trip you both took. I still wonder. I just don't do it very often.
There are things that I can't know.
I understand. My only choice is to accept these things. The knowledge doesn't make controling the feelings any easier.
The Mercellus Essence has settled deeper, and it is aware of my stronger impressions. It leaves only comforting and warmth in its wake, making it very hard for me to be angry, and making casting much easier. Even without amplifiers. I probably shouldn't do that. I don't know what it's doing to him. I'm almost afraid of what so many impressions are going to do to him when he's made whole again. How much of me will he be taking with him, in the form of memories? I know he can sense when I spend time with Enon. When I'm very upset, or very happy. Generally extremes. Now that he's a little deeper than I'd intended? I don't know.
And why? Did Perun's presence urge him there? It's not uncomfortable really, but at the same time, it is. His presence tries to melt away the tension that builds, but I must keep him separate. I have to keep him as contained as I can. I need to find out if they've found any more clues to his whereabouts.
I'm honestly becoming afraid of what might happen if I don't return him to himself soon.
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Kami Altar, Knot of Dementia of the Witherings
Secrets, why do they have to come up again? Why does he make jokes out of it? Does he have any idea how much it hurts me? How much I've tried to bury the questions and the doubts, the fear?
No, probably not. I've tried to keep it all so close to me, so buried. I don't know what else to do. Smile, be the good Lady Etchmarc. Faithful, accepting, diligent. Accepting. Accepting.
Lady Etchmarc. That's probably the first time I've written that, or even thought the two ideas that close together. But that's what everyone sees, isn't it?
They don't see everything.
Time to trek a young homin to Pyr.
Later...
Bathhouse, Pyr, Imperial Dunes of the Burning Desert
The bath house. Place of memories? That it is.
I shouldn't be so sensitive. Sometimes those things haunt me. More lately. The Mercellus Essence - is it stirring things up? I've had no word on the search for him. None of us really know where to start.
Onward to Yrkanis. I wasn't ready to stop, and it seems like it'll be an easy trek for young Zyratuan. Besides, Xyrana is such a nice homin, this is helping her too - by helping her friend.
Later...
Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
A successful trip, though I'm feeling more exhausted than I thought I would. I missed the battle at Malmont Farms. A part of me, I admit, is very glad. As much as our last exchange may have hurt my feelings - and as much as I suspect he wouldn't remember it anyhow, blaming firewine - I have no desire to lift my blade or shape the Sap of Atys to harm Valko or any of his Militia members. Not truly.
Maybe it was Mercellus trying to help me. I couldn't wake. I was trapped in some kind of dream that wasn't mine. I think I understand a little better now the strange, wide-eyed innocence that has made me so protective of Mercellus. My dreams, of late, are his memories.
Are my memories his dreams? Does he dream, in there, or wherever he is? I pray to Jena to watch over him - both in my mind, and wherever he may be on Atys. Please, Lady keep him safe.
Secrets, why do they have to come up again? Why does he make jokes out of it? Does he have any idea how much it hurts me? How much I've tried to bury the questions and the doubts, the fear?
No, probably not. I've tried to keep it all so close to me, so buried. I don't know what else to do. Smile, be the good Lady Etchmarc. Faithful, accepting, diligent. Accepting. Accepting.
Lady Etchmarc. That's probably the first time I've written that, or even thought the two ideas that close together. But that's what everyone sees, isn't it?
They don't see everything.
Time to trek a young homin to Pyr.
Later...
Bathhouse, Pyr, Imperial Dunes of the Burning Desert
The bath house. Place of memories? That it is.
I shouldn't be so sensitive. Sometimes those things haunt me. More lately. The Mercellus Essence - is it stirring things up? I've had no word on the search for him. None of us really know where to start.
Onward to Yrkanis. I wasn't ready to stop, and it seems like it'll be an easy trek for young Zyratuan. Besides, Xyrana is such a nice homin, this is helping her too - by helping her friend.
Later...
Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
A successful trip, though I'm feeling more exhausted than I thought I would. I missed the battle at Malmont Farms. A part of me, I admit, is very glad. As much as our last exchange may have hurt my feelings - and as much as I suspect he wouldn't remember it anyhow, blaming firewine - I have no desire to lift my blade or shape the Sap of Atys to harm Valko or any of his Militia members. Not truly.
Maybe it was Mercellus trying to help me. I couldn't wake. I was trapped in some kind of dream that wasn't mine. I think I understand a little better now the strange, wide-eyed innocence that has made me so protective of Mercellus. My dreams, of late, are his memories.
Are my memories his dreams? Does he dream, in there, or wherever he is? I pray to Jena to watch over him - both in my mind, and wherever he may be on Atys. Please, Lady keep him safe.
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Etchmarc Hall, Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
Jeziellia felt Kas bundle her up into his arms. She could still hear his heart beat, though sleep was stealing over her quickly. He carried her to Enon's bed, settling her there gently and pulling the blankets up to tuck her in.
Exhaustion finally overwhelmed her, and as her light contact with Perun fell away from beneath her, she felt herself falling away into the darkness of sleep. A single tear fell and was absorbed into the pillow.
You should've died on that pyre.
She kept falling, falling further, though the sparks of flame seemed to fall as well, always below her. Perun's voice...
What are you...
She tried to struggle against the falling, but she could not stop, or even slow down...
This is unnatural!
...her body hit something solid, knocking the breath from her. She stood. Nothingness all around her, not even the sun was in what should have been the sky. Her tears soaked into the nothing-ground, fires spouting where they disappeared. Her feet began to burn; she looked up, around, for help anywhere.
A sparkle in the sky above caught her eye. It was not the sun, but a warm spark, like a star, all alone in the darkness. She reached a hand up toward it, willing herself to reach it, though she knew it was beyond her. A form shimmered into view - blond hair, kind eyes, and a gentle smile. His hand reached down toward her. Their fingers met and that thin connection of touch drew her upward, away from the fire. His pull was strong, but not overwhelming. He held her to him, the glow from the sparkle at his center wrapping her in protective warmth.
The pain in her legs diminished until it was gone.
Jeziellia floated peacefully through the darkness.
She was alone.
I feel stupid for every other time I've ever written that I don't know where to begin. Has anything been even close to approaching the confusion over what has happened? The world outside these doors has continued, even if I felt like the world was over. When I'm done here, I'll get up and I will go about my day. Everything will settle as it once was, with one striking exception.
Even if I don't believe he's dead, Mercellus is gone. The first time he comforted me, told me he loved me as one of his siblings, was also the last time he ever would or could. The last time I saw his face was in the rain, standing at the Psykopla Knoll Trading Post. He was smiling; he turned and walked away to find somewhere dry to sleep. I watched him until the rain made him impossible to see.
Did he know how much I cared, how much I care for him? Does he know? The essence isn't a consciousness - can it know these things?
This is not easy. None of this has been easy, for any of us. I have never felt so much guilt in my life. It threatens to overwhelm me. It comes in waves though, like water lapping on the shore. Easy or not, the details of last night must be recorded, in case I can find a way to restore Mercellus. That is, after all, the hope that drove my choice. Perun may never understand, I pray only that he can forgive me in time. Kendrus too. I have hurt them, perhaps, most of all.
The only clue we had to finding Mercellus was a pendant that had been delivered to Pyr, for Drakfot to pick up. We spoke with the man who sold it to her. Mecaon Espocolos, or something similar. I heard the last name once, and in the bustle of the bar in Pyr. With some convincing, we learned the name O'Tooly Breggan, a traveling merchant from Fairhaven. He wasn't the one who originally sent the pendant, but he could help us find Abylaus Zessen.
Breggan sent us to the Silt Sculptors' camp, in the northern reaches of Winds of Muse. Abylaus was not there, but Mercellus's body was. I could feel the essence pulling toward his body, and pulling at my own Seed. If he'd been able to break free, he would have taken part of me with him. There was a female Tryker there who knew more about what was going on than I ever could have expected.
I still don't know quite how it was possible that any of this happened. And I had been draining his life energies ever since it happened. I didn't know. I was slowly killing him. Weakening him. If I had put the essence back -
No, in order, Jeziellia.
We had to find a focus, to draw his essence through to join the spark that remained inside his body. His essence would be channeled through the focus, and mine would not be pulled away to go with him. Amber. Kyerna had joined up with us in Fairhaven when we were speaking to Breggan. I feel a little badly for her; nothing was simple to explain about any of this. She dug up good sample of Hash amber. It would do.
The further I moved from his body, the less the essence pulled. I honestly considered running away then. I should have. I should have run away and thought longer. No, after the Tryker girl spoke to me. Push or pull, she said. If I pushed, he could still die from being too weak, really die. True Death. And he was weak because of me. I didn't know it, but that doesn't matter. It is still my fault. I was killing him. If I pulled, I would pull his life out of his body, reuniting him into one whole essence, but not consciousness. His body would die.
I needed time, but that was the one thing I did not have, it seemed. No time to think, no time to talk, no time. I'm sorry, Perun, Kendrus.
I'm sorry, Mercellus. I selfishly could not take the chance that you would awaken only to suffer and die a True Death, because of me.
Perun was right about one thing above all others. It was my guilt that did this. And I will make it right. Mercellus has given so much of his life to help others. I know that now maybe more than anyone else. I made the choice to pull, to take the rest of his essence into me, and to keep him from True Death. Even in this, he's tried to push away my guilt, to outshine it with happiness, and sometimes I can feel the memory of running. Running away from something, but to do something good, like running away is the right idea. He left them behind, and he cared about me.
He was trying to help me. I remember him feeling so proud of finding the herbs he'd been searching for. I didn't realize it then, though I suspected, but he meant to make something for the burn scars on my feet.
I don't know how I'll explain this to the rest of the House. Kas was there, thank Jena, but I'm not certain how much he understands. Likely more than I may imagine. So calm, so steady. I am thankful beyond words that he was there for me. Strong and vigilant. If he had not been there, I do not know what I would have done. I would likely still by lying in the sand in Winds of Muse. He held me when I needed it, and let me cry. I didn't feel ashamed, for the first time, to just cry. He did not chastise me. He just held me until the confusion gave out to exhaustion and I could not keep myself awake any longer.
I've hurt Perun more, simply by my presence. Not just in this instance with Mercellus, but in all this aftermath. He cannot believe my choice. I'm an abomination now, to his eyes. I've interfered with the natural cycle of life and death. He cannot even bear my mental presence. I cannot heal this hurt, even if it were possible to be healed at all. He thinks, even if he does not believe, that I hurt him so that I can feel him. That I want him to pity me, that I want him to try to care for me, even knowing how much I hurt him. I don't know how to make him understand that I've never wanted to hurt him. The words aren't enough. Why?
What will I tell Enon about all of this? I wish I had never said anything to any of them, and kept the truth to myself. That the rite failed. That we tried to put Mercellus's essence back and he simply expired. I should have left it at that. It would have hurt them less to bury their friend, to never know what I had done. But I love them, I truly do. I could not deceive them about Mercellus. He's not dead. He's not, no matter what Perun says. I feel him within me, a bright spark of life, and I know he is not dead.
How could I have done this? Maybe Perun was right. This isn't natural. What am I? What's wrong with me? My legs, the faintness, and now this. But if the Kami and Karavan can pull a homin's essence back from True Death and restore them to life, there must be a way.
There must be something, some way.
Forgive me, Jena. Forgive me, Perun, Kendrus.
Above all, if I fail in this, please forgive me, Mercellus. I have only done what I thought was right, what could bring the most hope to see you alive and well again. This is far from over, my friend, even if Perun will never forgive me or understand.
Jeziellia felt Kas bundle her up into his arms. She could still hear his heart beat, though sleep was stealing over her quickly. He carried her to Enon's bed, settling her there gently and pulling the blankets up to tuck her in.
Exhaustion finally overwhelmed her, and as her light contact with Perun fell away from beneath her, she felt herself falling away into the darkness of sleep. A single tear fell and was absorbed into the pillow.
* * *
Jeziellia was falling through the darkness, tears falling silently and sparking below her into a fire. A woman's voice echoed through the darkness.You should've died on that pyre.
She kept falling, falling further, though the sparks of flame seemed to fall as well, always below her. Perun's voice...
What are you...
She tried to struggle against the falling, but she could not stop, or even slow down...
This is unnatural!
...her body hit something solid, knocking the breath from her. She stood. Nothingness all around her, not even the sun was in what should have been the sky. Her tears soaked into the nothing-ground, fires spouting where they disappeared. Her feet began to burn; she looked up, around, for help anywhere.
A sparkle in the sky above caught her eye. It was not the sun, but a warm spark, like a star, all alone in the darkness. She reached a hand up toward it, willing herself to reach it, though she knew it was beyond her. A form shimmered into view - blond hair, kind eyes, and a gentle smile. His hand reached down toward her. Their fingers met and that thin connection of touch drew her upward, away from the fire. His pull was strong, but not overwhelming. He held her to him, the glow from the sparkle at his center wrapping her in protective warmth.
The pain in her legs diminished until it was gone.
Jeziellia floated peacefully through the darkness.
* * *
The room was empty when Jeziellia awoke. Enon was already gone for the day, to tend to guild matters and other business. The light of Jena shone through the windows. It had to be close to afternoon already. Her mind gentle felt around the hall. No one. She was alone.
I feel stupid for every other time I've ever written that I don't know where to begin. Has anything been even close to approaching the confusion over what has happened? The world outside these doors has continued, even if I felt like the world was over. When I'm done here, I'll get up and I will go about my day. Everything will settle as it once was, with one striking exception.
Even if I don't believe he's dead, Mercellus is gone. The first time he comforted me, told me he loved me as one of his siblings, was also the last time he ever would or could. The last time I saw his face was in the rain, standing at the Psykopla Knoll Trading Post. He was smiling; he turned and walked away to find somewhere dry to sleep. I watched him until the rain made him impossible to see.
Did he know how much I cared, how much I care for him? Does he know? The essence isn't a consciousness - can it know these things?
This is not easy. None of this has been easy, for any of us. I have never felt so much guilt in my life. It threatens to overwhelm me. It comes in waves though, like water lapping on the shore. Easy or not, the details of last night must be recorded, in case I can find a way to restore Mercellus. That is, after all, the hope that drove my choice. Perun may never understand, I pray only that he can forgive me in time. Kendrus too. I have hurt them, perhaps, most of all.
The only clue we had to finding Mercellus was a pendant that had been delivered to Pyr, for Drakfot to pick up. We spoke with the man who sold it to her. Mecaon Espocolos, or something similar. I heard the last name once, and in the bustle of the bar in Pyr. With some convincing, we learned the name O'Tooly Breggan, a traveling merchant from Fairhaven. He wasn't the one who originally sent the pendant, but he could help us find Abylaus Zessen.
Breggan sent us to the Silt Sculptors' camp, in the northern reaches of Winds of Muse. Abylaus was not there, but Mercellus's body was. I could feel the essence pulling toward his body, and pulling at my own Seed. If he'd been able to break free, he would have taken part of me with him. There was a female Tryker there who knew more about what was going on than I ever could have expected.
I still don't know quite how it was possible that any of this happened. And I had been draining his life energies ever since it happened. I didn't know. I was slowly killing him. Weakening him. If I had put the essence back -
No, in order, Jeziellia.
We had to find a focus, to draw his essence through to join the spark that remained inside his body. His essence would be channeled through the focus, and mine would not be pulled away to go with him. Amber. Kyerna had joined up with us in Fairhaven when we were speaking to Breggan. I feel a little badly for her; nothing was simple to explain about any of this. She dug up good sample of Hash amber. It would do.
The further I moved from his body, the less the essence pulled. I honestly considered running away then. I should have. I should have run away and thought longer. No, after the Tryker girl spoke to me. Push or pull, she said. If I pushed, he could still die from being too weak, really die. True Death. And he was weak because of me. I didn't know it, but that doesn't matter. It is still my fault. I was killing him. If I pulled, I would pull his life out of his body, reuniting him into one whole essence, but not consciousness. His body would die.
I needed time, but that was the one thing I did not have, it seemed. No time to think, no time to talk, no time. I'm sorry, Perun, Kendrus.
I'm sorry, Mercellus. I selfishly could not take the chance that you would awaken only to suffer and die a True Death, because of me.
Perun was right about one thing above all others. It was my guilt that did this. And I will make it right. Mercellus has given so much of his life to help others. I know that now maybe more than anyone else. I made the choice to pull, to take the rest of his essence into me, and to keep him from True Death. Even in this, he's tried to push away my guilt, to outshine it with happiness, and sometimes I can feel the memory of running. Running away from something, but to do something good, like running away is the right idea. He left them behind, and he cared about me.
He was trying to help me. I remember him feeling so proud of finding the herbs he'd been searching for. I didn't realize it then, though I suspected, but he meant to make something for the burn scars on my feet.
I don't know how I'll explain this to the rest of the House. Kas was there, thank Jena, but I'm not certain how much he understands. Likely more than I may imagine. So calm, so steady. I am thankful beyond words that he was there for me. Strong and vigilant. If he had not been there, I do not know what I would have done. I would likely still by lying in the sand in Winds of Muse. He held me when I needed it, and let me cry. I didn't feel ashamed, for the first time, to just cry. He did not chastise me. He just held me until the confusion gave out to exhaustion and I could not keep myself awake any longer.
I've hurt Perun more, simply by my presence. Not just in this instance with Mercellus, but in all this aftermath. He cannot believe my choice. I'm an abomination now, to his eyes. I've interfered with the natural cycle of life and death. He cannot even bear my mental presence. I cannot heal this hurt, even if it were possible to be healed at all. He thinks, even if he does not believe, that I hurt him so that I can feel him. That I want him to pity me, that I want him to try to care for me, even knowing how much I hurt him. I don't know how to make him understand that I've never wanted to hurt him. The words aren't enough. Why?
What will I tell Enon about all of this? I wish I had never said anything to any of them, and kept the truth to myself. That the rite failed. That we tried to put Mercellus's essence back and he simply expired. I should have left it at that. It would have hurt them less to bury their friend, to never know what I had done. But I love them, I truly do. I could not deceive them about Mercellus. He's not dead. He's not, no matter what Perun says. I feel him within me, a bright spark of life, and I know he is not dead.
How could I have done this? Maybe Perun was right. This isn't natural. What am I? What's wrong with me? My legs, the faintness, and now this. But if the Kami and Karavan can pull a homin's essence back from True Death and restore them to life, there must be a way.
There must be something, some way.
Forgive me, Jena. Forgive me, Perun, Kendrus.
Above all, if I fail in this, please forgive me, Mercellus. I have only done what I thought was right, what could bring the most hope to see you alive and well again. This is far from over, my friend, even if Perun will never forgive me or understand.
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
I found the firefly nest. The place Mercellus was at when I... when I somehow trapped part of him. He was so proud to have found them, to be doing what he was doing. I can see why. It took me hours to find it, even with the Silt Sculptor woman's generalization of the area.
Everything was quiet. I sat there. Zyquo came, after a while, and sat at a distance. Respecting my feelings, I suppose. I don't really know what my feelings were, or are right now.
Even Enon drew a little away when I told him what had happened. No, when I told him what I had done. I understand, I think. It isn't natural, like Perun said. I know it isn't. And how can he be sure I won't accidentally do the same to him? Or perhaps he's just wary of the essence still being with me. He wants to find a way to 'fix' this. And fast. I want to not think about it for a while. Just something normal, if only for a few days.
He loves me, and I him. He will help me, I know he will.
I didn't dare contact Perun or Kendrus. Not yet. Maybe not for a long while. I doubt they would want to hear from me at all. It's so strange how a homin's entire world can change in such a short amount of time.
I found the firefly nest. The place Mercellus was at when I... when I somehow trapped part of him. He was so proud to have found them, to be doing what he was doing. I can see why. It took me hours to find it, even with the Silt Sculptor woman's generalization of the area.
Everything was quiet. I sat there. Zyquo came, after a while, and sat at a distance. Respecting my feelings, I suppose. I don't really know what my feelings were, or are right now.
Even Enon drew a little away when I told him what had happened. No, when I told him what I had done. I understand, I think. It isn't natural, like Perun said. I know it isn't. And how can he be sure I won't accidentally do the same to him? Or perhaps he's just wary of the essence still being with me. He wants to find a way to 'fix' this. And fast. I want to not think about it for a while. Just something normal, if only for a few days.
He loves me, and I him. He will help me, I know he will.
I didn't dare contact Perun or Kendrus. Not yet. Maybe not for a long while. I doubt they would want to hear from me at all. It's so strange how a homin's entire world can change in such a short amount of time.
Journal of Jeziellia, Matis
Yrkanis, Majestic Garden of Verdant Heights
I had a dream yesterday. Mercellus. He was showing me what he was working on. I'll finish it for him. It's only right. I haven't told anyone else of the dream. I woke up in tears. I know it was just a dream, but I also know it was so real. The fireflies, the peppermint, the reed leaves. I could feel him hug me. I asked him to forgive me, he didn't seem to understand. I didn't want to wake up. Not when I did. Why couldn't it have been a little longer? Could I explain it to him? Was it really him at all?
I'll keep it quiet for now. I don't want anyone to think I'm - less than stable. I wanted to tell Perun about it, to prove to him Mercellus isn't dead, isn't gone. But I couldn't contact him at all. I went to the Prime Roots, to dig, half hoping he would be there, amongst the jublas. He wasn't. Why would he be? He's probably off getting comforted somewhere.
It's just as well.
Enon mentioned a funeral. Perun did, after all, contact Kyerna. I'm glad, I suppose. I wonder if Perun or Kendrus will let me know when it will be held. Though he isn't dead, I would like to be there.
Zyquo, Kas, Jelathnia, and I spent some time in Nexus the previous day. That was nice. A little... normality. Then I messed up my orders to a merchant and my pile of shells ended up going into their shop inventory, instead of on the market. Oh well.
I've been very tired lately. Maybe just a little more sleep will help.
I had a dream yesterday. Mercellus. He was showing me what he was working on. I'll finish it for him. It's only right. I haven't told anyone else of the dream. I woke up in tears. I know it was just a dream, but I also know it was so real. The fireflies, the peppermint, the reed leaves. I could feel him hug me. I asked him to forgive me, he didn't seem to understand. I didn't want to wake up. Not when I did. Why couldn't it have been a little longer? Could I explain it to him? Was it really him at all?
I'll keep it quiet for now. I don't want anyone to think I'm - less than stable. I wanted to tell Perun about it, to prove to him Mercellus isn't dead, isn't gone. But I couldn't contact him at all. I went to the Prime Roots, to dig, half hoping he would be there, amongst the jublas. He wasn't. Why would he be? He's probably off getting comforted somewhere.
It's just as well.
Enon mentioned a funeral. Perun did, after all, contact Kyerna. I'm glad, I suppose. I wonder if Perun or Kendrus will let me know when it will be held. Though he isn't dead, I would like to be there.
Zyquo, Kas, Jelathnia, and I spent some time in Nexus the previous day. That was nice. A little... normality. Then I messed up my orders to a merchant and my pile of shells ended up going into their shop inventory, instead of on the market. Oh well.
I've been very tired lately. Maybe just a little more sleep will help.