The Hitchhiker's Guide to Ryzom

[grimjim]

The game was held in a server in a small and picturesque part of the internet. It stood on its own and looked over a broad expanse of Pro-roleplay, PvE MMORPGs. Not a remarkable game by any means - it was about a year old, patch heavy and wasn't as glitzy or popular as some other games.

The only person for whom the game was in any way special was Arthur Ba'Denty, and that was only because it happened to be the one he played in. He had played in it since Beta, ever since he had moved out of Everquest beacause it made him nervous and irritable. He was about thirty, a mature and levelheaded gamer who wasn't at ease with many of the standard games and wanted something a little different. He played a digger in Tryker which, he always used to tell his fighter and magician friends, was a lot more interesting than they probably thought. It was too, most of his friends played Warcraft.

It hadn't properly regustered with Arthur that Nevrax wanted to kill off his game and make a PvP game instead.

At eight o'clock on Thursday morning, Arthur tried to log in and found the server down for a patch. He blinked at the screen, checked his e-mail, pottered about the house, did a bit of work and later patched and logged in. As he was logging in he opened a Firefox window and checked the patch notes. Something about a new event, a mention of PvP. He tabbed back to the login window and waited for Ryzom to load.

Loading...

As he was watching it load he noted that the loading screen had a new message. Something more about war. He ignored it for now, watching the loading bar hopefully, the game would be loaded Soon(tm). Finally he logged in and set off to do some nice pleasant digging.

Equip pick, prospect, dig, take mats, yawn.

The phrase 'PvP' wandered through his mind for a moment in search of something to connect with.

The group of people running past with faction symbols instead of guild symbols was quite large.

He stared at them.

"Factions." He thought, and ran back to his apartment to get his equipment.

Passing the spawn point he stopped to look at the people there. He saw more people with faction symbols and decided he must be hallucinating. "Factions." He thought, and carried on to his apartment.

As he equipped himself for some exploration he tried to remember. The forums, he thought. Oh dear, the forums. He vaguely remembered being angry, angry about something that seemed importaant. He'd been telling people about it at great length, he rather suspected. His clearest recollection was of posts from people that just didn't seem to get what the problem was. Something about PvP that he'd just found out about. It had been in the pipeline for months only no one seemed to have known about it. Ridiculous. He finished equipping. It would sort itself out, he'd decided, no one wanted PvP, Nevrax didn't have a leg to stand on. It would sort itself out.

God, what a terrible flamewar it had earned him though. He looked at himself in third-person view, did a /dignified emote. "Factions." He thought. The word 'factions' wandered through his mind in search of something to connect with.

Fifteen seconds later he was on the forums and sitting in an announcement thread about PvP that was promising lots more PvP in 'his' game!

Xavier was, as they say, only human. In other words he was a carbon-based life form descended from an ape. More specifically he was french, ponytailed and worked for Nevrax. Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male-line descendant of Napoleon, though intervening generations had so juggled his genes that was of decent height and, theoretically, had more sense than the invade Russia in the winter.

He was by no means a great flame-warrior: in fact he was a gentle soul. Today he was feeling particularly fragile and worried becaise something had gone seriously wrong with his job - which was to see that Arthur's game got turned PvP before the day was out.

"Come off eet M'sieur Ba'Denty." He said, "You cannot win you know. You cannot block ze PvP indefinately." He tried to make his forum post blaze with flame, but it just wouldn't do it.

Arthur sat in the thread and refused to be won over, wallowing in the manure the pro-PvPers were spouting.

"I'm game." He said. "We'll see who goes bankrupt first."

"I a, afraid you are going to 'ave to accept eet." said Xavier, chewing nervously on his ponytail and wringing his wrist rest. "Zis PvP 'as got to be added and eet is going to be added!"

"First I've heard of it." Said Arther. "Why's it got to be added?"

Xavier stared at his reply window for a bit. Tried a post, deleted it and tried again.

"What do you mean, 'why's it got to be added?'" He said. "Eet's PvP. You 'ave to 'ave PvP."

PVP is a game element which allows some hardcore players with the mentality of a five year old plucking the legs off flies to fight other hardcore players with the mentality of a five year old. People who don't like fighting each other are often left to wonder what's so great about fighting that so many people are keen on it and why it's so important that they get bulldozed to make way for it.

Xavier wanted to be somewhere else entirely. Somewhere else wasn't anywhere in particular, it was just any convenient place a long way away from PvP, anti-PvP or anything related to the forums. Most days he could simply ignore people's questions, why not today? The cafe would be a nice place to be, a couple of coffees, a chocolate-filled croissant, anywhere but here. He blushed hotly as the devs grinned derisively at him, leaving him their mess to clear up.

He cracked his knuckles and tried to think what to type. Obviously somebody somewhere in the team hadn't been paying attention to the players and he hoped to God it wasn't him.

Xavier said. "You were quite entiteled to make any criticisms or protests at ze appropriate time in ze appropriate thread you know."

"Appropriate time?" Hooted Arthur. "Appropriate time? The first I knew about it was when another player told me about it yesterday in the Prime Roots. I asked him if he wanted to careplan for me and he said no. He didn't tell me straight away of course. Oh no. First he dug a couple of my sources and then Pked me. THEN he told me.

"But M'sieur Ba'Denty, ze plans 'ave been available on ze forum and website since release."

"Oh yes, well, as soon as I heard I went straight to the website to read up on them, yesterday afternoon. You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call attention to them had you? I mean like actually telling anybody or anything."

"But ze plans were posted..."

"Posted? I eventually had to delve into the forum to find them."

"Zat's where we post such things."

"Into a sub-forum."

"Zat's ze feedback thread."

"Back a page."

"Ah, well, ze scripting was probably bugged."

"So were the posting options."

"But you found ze post, yes?"

"Yes," said Arthur. "yes I did. It was posted in the bottom of an unrelated subforum, in a locked thread, with the title 'tubgirl'. Ever thought of going into advertising?"

"Eet ees not as eef eet ees a particularly good game as it is." Said Xavier.

"I'm sorry, but I happen to like it."

"You'll like ze PvP."

"Oh shut up." said Arthur Ba'Neppy. "Shut up and go away and take your bloody PvP with you. You haven't got a leg to stand on and you know it."

Xavier tried to type a couple of times while his mind was, for a moment, filled with the inexplicable but terribly attractive vision of men in colourful uniforms blowing apart Arthur with cannon shot. He mistyped his post a few times and then pulled himself together.

"M'siuer Ba'Denty." He said.

"Hello? Yes?" Said Arthur.

"Some factual informatin for you. Do you 'ave any idea 'ow much damage ze game would suffer if I just let you cancel your subscription?"

"How much?" Said Arthur.

"None at all." Said Xavier, and logged out nervously.

*Meanwhile the Investor Construction Fleet hovers over Paris, simply waiting, watching...*

[akicks]

Hurrah for parradies!

[thlau]

Well said.

[carrie]

Great job, Jyudas.

[michielb]

Well this blows the SoR storyline clean out of the water...

[philu]

Hehe, the classics, you simply can't beat them. Even when you paraphrase them.

Nice one Jyudas, first worthwhile post about PvP I've seen.

[cspyr]

Ahh, the first laugh in days on the SoR forums
Hilarious, Jyudas!

[6vixen9]

ROFL Nice to know theres still a sense of humor about.

[seawe]

Xavier was, as they say, only human. In other words he was a carbon-based life form descended from an ape. More specifically he was french, ponytailed and worked for Nevrax. Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male-line descendant of Napoleon, though intervening generations had so juggled his genes that was of decent height and, theoretically, had more sense than the invade Russia in the winter.

rofl oman thats funny.

reading this thread just made my day so much better...

[aardnebb]

The game was held in a server in a small and picturesque part of the internet...

Ahh Grim, so good to see your skilled prose once again mock the deserving

Chat ingame soon mate.

Steve